The Devil Wears JC Penney

Life. Oh you crazy little story. I'm oddly calm right now. After a fall of life-changing moments, it's all somehow settling down. I just can't stop listening to "Paper Aeroplane" by Angus and Julia Stone right now. It's one of the most calm-worthy songs I've heard in a while. My music tastes and what I want to listen to always completely vary by what I'm feeling. Music touches.

Today at work my boss came into town from Ireland (where he works remotely), and boy did Mr. JC Penney six-figure man lay it on strong. I worked my arse off and didn't even have time to eat lunch. Me? Not eat? I was so ravenous by the time the day was over, but when it was over he and I had the most relaxed conversation. It was very much man-to-man. He believes in me and doesn't even know who I am outside of work. I've somehow been able to show that I'm probably the same person in and outside of my company's doors. I don't take no for an answer, I don't let people walk all over me, I'm outspoken and always make sure I'm heard, and I'm damn driven. I know I sound so narcissistic right now, but it's just nice to realize that nothing in life is impossible, even at my age of 33 (ok, 23). Without me asking he said he would not go back to Ireland without having changed my promotion status. The head of HR has approved now he just has to prove me. Someone working to prove my worth? It's just nice, I suppose.

Tomorrow, I'm headed to New Orleans for a smaller Thanksgiving weekend. It'll be nice to be around wonderful people and not think about work, Austin, life. I just want to be free. My 10 day sailing trip over Christmas and New Years will provide this as well. The Holidays are an interesting time when all of the madness turns into white noise. Everything gets quiet and you being to realize and be thankful for what you already have. All I want this season is for everyone around me to be happy, and I'm going to work on the positive side that's in little Cesar to be set free. As far as dating goes, the bassoonist has been a bit of fresh air. I never considered him to be my type, but there's something about having someone around who never makes you feel negative. Feels good. Who knows how long this feeling or even our dating relationship will last, but it's good to have it for what it's worth.

I guess without all of the struggles, events, successes and failures - life wouldn't be so interesting. I sometimes look down on it and don't appreciate. I'm fortunate to be in the place that I am right now. Drama, drama - time to accept and live.

Making The Right Choice

As much as people hate to do it, every now and then (or all of the time in my case lately), you must make a decision, stick to it, and hope it was the right one. Case in point - the career. I had already decided to stay with my current job and wait for my manager and HR's magical talent of taking 2 weeks to put together an offer letter for promo - oh but hello curveball Monday. The manager from the other organization who's been seeking me sent me an invite for an interview that is now tomorrow morning, a job that I didn't even apply for. So, of course I accepted the interview. Now it's time to wait more for HR and see what these people think of me after the interview they're forcing down my throat. I have a feeling I'm going to have 2 offers come next week and I'm going to have make a decision. They're both promotions to the same level, so really it comes down to - what does Cesar want to do and what will keep Cesar motivated and moving on up? Make the right choice.

After last week's fiasco and many fiascos in dating, I decided to give up. But oh yet another curveball. A really great guy comes my way in the form of Facebook chat. Silly? Ya. Effective? Oh ya. I haven't connected so well with someone via chat in so long and it's so refreshing how easy conversation was without any questions (kind of like a fantastic job interview). I have a date tomorrow so it'll be time to decide whether to keep going or give up on letting men into my life like I originally planned (well, for the time being of course). This one's a bit of an easier decision as I'm sure I'll be swayed to bite the bullet and give in... I have a good feeling about this one though. I guess I've already made the choice. Gah! Maybe making the right choice isn't that hard after all. Do what makes you happy - because we ALL know deep down what we really want, but just let clouds come in. Time to be happy.

Nothing Better?

As quoted by Postal Service:

"I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself. With these revisions and gaps in history. So let me help you remember. I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear. I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave"

What the heck. Why am I such a debbie downer? My expectations and thoughts are definitely where I epically fail time and time again. Went out with the guy again last night - the "high expecations" guy. It was pretty miserable. His attitude/vibe was so low energy and uncaring. I slept at his place, literally slept. This morning it was like I was some bother. I wasn't really there and eye contact was so minimal it made me sick. Perhaps I'm overthinking it (shocking), but whatever. I'm human. There is better out there - I know there is. I don't consider myself young, hot, and stupid - I'm mature, handsome, and successful. If that's something that can be misconstrued as "boring," than so be it. I'm me.

I think where my lecture on why I have to leave comes in is that I'm preparing myself to do just that - leave. Leave the ideas that I need a guy to fulfill some void that I don't know particurally even exists at this point in my life. I have career, family, friends, and stresses every which way - why should I continue to focus on having a guy in my life and then continually be disappointed and shit on myself when it doesn't go to plan? I think I'm just over dating and looking. I'm going to prepare myself to just live and let things ride. I'm not going to be closed off completely, but I'm just not going to take anything seriously right now until the perfect opportunity arises and someone actually wants to put effort into being a part of my life. Today's just a really odd day of realizations, and being alone has helped me put it all into perspective. I'm going out tonight to meet up with out of towners (3 sets of them), so I will focus on the joy of being around wonderful people. Austin is out. Cesar is in.

I See You

Stress. Confusion. Impatience. Desire. Boredom? Am I bored? I've been thinking about this for the past few months. Things keep changing, especially the past 2-3 weeks, but somehow, I'm not satisfied or content. It makes me ponder what I really want - out of everything. As much as my friends are tired of hearing about it, all I've been thinking about for over a week straight is my career, but is that really what's going to make me ultimately happy? I picked up smoking the past couple of months, why you ask? Because I'm bored. As pathetic as it sounds, I've used it as a way to take up time, even for those 4-5 minutes. I definitely need to find another joy. I need to take a look around at all of the beauty I have surrounding me and forget the ugliness (cigarettes, negative attitudes, infuriated people, and those dirty secrets). I need to be me. I need to love and see - you?

Change Your Lines

Welcome back party? It's been months and months since I've put my thoughts into words given the many changes going on in life. Cesar. Is. Ready. To. Speak. For once in my life, everything (and I mean everything) is going the way I want/need it to. It makes me so nervous. For some reason I'm the type that always has to find the one negative/bad thing in all of the good, and then focus on it. Something to work on - definitely. The most stressful time of my life in my career (so far!) has just ended. I negotiated a significant raise to be at the level that I've developed into. Negotiated. Cesar? Yep. Can't express enough how nice it is to have power over my own career and talents at this point. I'm not stopping - I'm going to keep going and going. That is plan.

In terms of the matters of the heart, I've been through some of the weirdest dating situations possible this past year. A crazy man with out of body experiences, a drug dealer with no car, a straight man who tried to have me "hang around," a guy who was dating someone else (and oops, forgot to fill me in).. and I could go on. What's amazing about all of it though is that you never stop learning. I've learned a lot about what I want and don't want in terms of lovers/relationships. Learning is vital and I never want to stop. Recently, I've met an extremely interesting and elusive guy. He's got a lot of ideas, culture, and adventure to him. Feedback's been very positive so far on both ends - this could be quite the development. Possibilities and bright outlooks are what I crave.

My friends. Oh, my friends. They are the world to me other than my parents and brother. I'm not sure if it's them, the culture in Austin, or the fact that we're going through life in our 20's together - but I feel like my friends understand me inside and out. They know what makes me happy, my quirks, my frustrations, my faults, my loves. I'm definitely involved in a very much comfortable social environment where no one judges, everyone wants happiness, and everyone has fun. I recently had a "fight" with one of my closest friends - we've made up since then. It's wonderful to have people around who care. We need to all just love eachother, accept faults, and enjoy time with one another. Perfection is out this year, anyway.

A bit of a summary of life - I promise I'll begin to start posting the many ideas that surround my head. Think. Write.

Great Realizations

Spring has officially begun. The period of hibernation is over. Who's hibernating, you ask? Well, my shorts, solid tees, and flips flops! Say bye to jackets and coats, and hello to some skin! Nothing puts me in a better mood than the sun. Let's just hope it doesn't get too too hot this summer. Me and extreme sweat just do not get along.

Life from month to month has been one new surprise, adventure, or struggle after another on my side. I tend to look back and laugh at some moments and learn from others. I've recently discovered what I'm really looking for in terms of types of friendships, relationships, and career options. I got thrown into a career that I thought I wouldn't enjoy or do for a very long time, but have figured out that I'm truly good at the service I provide to the business world. I find out tomorrow whether I get to keep doing this - layoffs are hitting closer to home, it seems. At first I was terribly worried, but then realized - I'm only 22, and my life as a Twenty-Something has just begun. I'm moving so fast they want to lay me off at 22! Pretty fascinating if you take a step back and realize the age and situation. I have extreme confidence in my talent and abilities that I really have come to terms that I'll be fine no matter what happens. Deep down, I know I'm keeping my job, but it's good to think that even if I didn't, it'll all be okay. Tomorrow is a big day.

The social situation has been very interesting lately. I've been learning a lot about people just by listening more and paying attention closely to interactions. I enjoy people who smile, who have something to say that is worthwhile or uplifting, who just bring the best out of myself and other people. I'm glad to have the big circle of friends that I do. Everyone has their own uniqueness and charm. Blessings. In the world of dating - I'm still coming short, but learning oh so much. More about what kind of guy I'm looking for and what opportunities there are out there. I'll eventually find someone, for now learning and playing is fine with me! Being daring is also the name of the game. I'm beginning to be more ballsy in all kinds of situations. Showing that you have power over your life and what direction you want to take it is key. I believe it's helped boost my confidence and to better accept failure and disappointments.

Tomorrow. Is major.

Taking The Good With The Bad

Lately I feel like I've been getting a little more positive, a little more relaxed, a little more normal. All fantastic things. I've been taking the good with the bad at the office, it's been tough times for everyone that's for sure. It is what it is, that's the motto. I know, I know - "At least you have a job!" Yes, yes. With the hard economic times our country is facing and the extensive lay-offs, I SHOULD feel lucky to have a job, but I can't help but be selfish and think, "What the fuck? No chance for promotion in the next few months?" Makes me wonder what I'm working for some days, but I'm getting over that idea. Yes, I'm lucky to have a stable job (as stable as one can get..) and in an environment where I'm able to see so many of my good friends and eat well (our cafeteria rocks, I don't care what anyone says!). So yeah, let's be positive and be happy. Ok. Alright?

So! This weekend I finally got to meet up with the guy who's been basically chasing me for a couple of weeks. The environment where we met was my scene (so I was at home) and it was truly all good times. We got along well, his friends were great with me and vise versa, we danced, I went to his place to after party, and..... nothing happened. Wait! Where's the problem? Lack of real chemistry. We're both good looking individuals, and in the past that's all I needed to just hop into bed and be young and stupid, but lately that hasn't been exactly working for me. If I don't really feel it, I just don't. I don't care what my "member" thinks! Maybe next time? I definitely see this as a sign of maturity though. I know what I want and being picky is the game. Not to say this guy's not going to be my friend, I think he's great, but if it's not there- it's just not. I think he may have realized it as well, the texts have slowly faded. Meh- it happens. I'll take it.



Let's talk about some goodness now. I'm really really and I mean REALLY looking forward to the Lykke Li concert in a couple of weeks! February 19th to be exact. Tickets purchased. Dancing shoes all shined up and ready to party like Thursday nights are meant to be partyed. I miss Thursday nights and I'm pretty sure I'll be calling in sick the day after... sshhh! Don't tell. Every Lykke Li song has it's own vibe and uniqueness. Being there live while just a tad inebriated will be nothing less than fabulous. I don't use this word often, but she has made me feel so wonderful so many times, I can't help but be a little in love. Cut/Copy is coming in March as well - much more dancing excitement to come. Stay tuned.

The Anticipation Is Here

The month is almost over and I feel like in just this short first month of 2009, I've learned a lot of new things about myself. I hope I never get to the point where I stop wanting to learn and stop evolving. I enjoy trying new things all the time - keeps things interesting. Lately, I've been trying to transition into drinking black coffee. Lauren asks, "Why would you force yourself to like something or have to transition into it?" I really don't have the answer to that, other than I like being able to be as versatile as possible. I've already started with no sugar in my coffee, just some cream - next step, cut out the cream. No idea where I'm getting at with this or why I'm doing it, but I really want to enjoy everything life has to offer in different ways. Maybe it only makes sense to me- and I'm okay with that.

Anticipation has been all over my life this month so far. Anicipating possible job changes, travel plans, weekend plans, upcoming concerts (Lykke Li! Cut/Copy!), you name it. In the matters of the "heart," I've been anticipating really trying to hang out and getting to know this guy who's been relentlessly (in a good way) texting me to "come hang out." I've only met this person in what I can call my most belligerent night of this year so far, so I don't really think that counts. Can you really gain interest and desire through getting to know someone through their Facebook? The modern world is weird like that. Although, some think it's a great thing to have specific avenues like Facebook to be able to "get to know" someone through let's say their music interests or tagged photos- to me, it's scary. I basically start pre-judging and second guessing my anticipation. Perhaps anticipation can be an unfriendly device at times for me, or I just need to grow up and learn to meet people the old fashioned way. Close. Down. The Facebook.

My company's fiscal year ends tomorrow (or well, today), so they're giving me a 1/2 day! After the houseguest debacle, it'll be nice to be able to do my own thing this weekend for 2 1/2 full days. Time to let loose. Catch me if you can.

Who's The Villian Now?

Something I've noticed, that in almost every situation there's always a bad guy. Whether it's a person, the weather, that pothole in the middle of the road, something is always out to mess things up. Everyone always seems to find a bad guy to blame for misfortunes or just not being satisfied with their day, themselves, or life in general. I've been the so called "villian" in so many situations lately. Perhaps it's a character flaw I need to work on, but I'm getting a little bit worn out from being blamed for the unhappiness of others. Maybe I'm not always a ball of sunshine, and sometimes I do tend to be a little upfront, but I like to think that I'm just for the most part - realistic. If you ask for my opinion, believe me, you'll get truth. People like to be in their little bubbles and pretend like their choices are perfect and nothing's wrong. Well - these yahoos need to stop asking me for advice. Plain and simple.

I've tried to bring more uplift to my blog entries than so called "whining" and darkness, but the darkness has been a little inevitable lately. It doesn't help that all I'm doing right now is listening to Massive Attack and drinking a 1/2 bottle of Chianti in my low lit living room - but, it suits the mood. Things could be worse. I think I'm just slowly getting over one of the worst weekends I've had in a very long time. This blog isn't about calling anyone out or pointing fingers, but I definitely had the most horrific set of houseguests come over (for the most part, uninvited mind you). They were the most disrespectful, ignorant, inconsiderate people that have ever spent 2 nights under my roof. Believe me, from now on the door is NOT always open. I will never make that mistake again. Long story short, even though I feel that way - the houseguests most definitely treated me as the "villian" - ironic. Maybe it's my "I don't care about anything" attitude towards things that make people easily blame me for so much? I don't get it anymore, and it's a true waste to keep thinking about it. I don't intentionally do wrong, and I say sorry when I know it's needed and it's right. Not. This. Case.

Something I've been doing prior to this weekend is surrounding myself around people who I truly get along with, who make me laugh, who help me think in different perspectives, who don't judge. Doing this has helped me weed out the bad and the ugly, and keep all of the wonderful. I've even had an interesting suitor cross my path - who's to say if he's ugly or wonderful? I think I'm a little scared to find out. I'm not used to the persistance and the chasing, but one thing is for certain - it's been flattering. It might be my insecurities not wanting it to really happen (real life over texts and Facebook messages), but why should I treat this person as a villian from the get-go? Perhaps I won't find love, but I definitely need to start having some more fun. Randomness is good for the soul - as is some soup. Time to eat.

Bizarre Beginnings So Far..

Today begins the 4th week of the New Year, and I don't think I've accomplished anything other than be a mess. My apartment seriously needs some maid service, I have no food in my fridge other than old bread and eggs, I've basically been sick all of 2009, and I've been making some pretty irregular weekend choices that I end up regretting like mad crazy. Obviously I'm on the lookout for something fresh and new in all aspects, but all I end up finding is bizarre insanity. Maybe the comfort of the "same 'ol" might be the better thing to stick with. I've never experienced a 35-block walk of shame, but hey, there's a first time for everything right? Uhh - Sad.

It'd be nice to have more to report other than being a mess, but such is life. I actually look forward to the work weeks because they're the only time when life becomes a little more normal, a little more routine. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the people I spend my weekends with - but I think I just really need to make better choices, personally. I still haven't begun my 2009 workout plan. Seriously. I think I'm going to really start being normal again. Yes.

The Ups and Downs

It's been an eventful weekend so far - and I'm going to keep it going! I'm 100% over my cold and now just have some leftover mucus/sinus goodness. My question though- what is up with this weather? I don't mind heat, I don't mind cold, but when the weather goes from one extreme to another on a day to day basis, it's just not enjoyable! How am I supposed to prepare? I'm certainly not my father, so checking out weather.com isn't exactly a hobby I want to start up. I suppose I'll just deal.

Last night at Gavin's penthouse party, I ran into one of my best friend's ex-boyfriends (yeah, the one who cheated on her multiple times)- anywho, he's in town from San Francisco and he saw me and felt the urge to say, "Hey, how's it going?" This really confuses me. Did he think I was really going to forget the terrible things he did? Am I that approachable? Before last night I was beginning to think of myself to be a bit elusive because it seems it's hard to reach me sometimes, but oh Mr. Joel didn't have trouble at all. Hey maybe it all just slipped my mind, right? I don't think so. The douche-bags of the world forget their mistakes very easily because they have no soul, but I'm not one to forgive and forget for no reason. Bitch - SLAP.

Lauren and I are hosting a mini-brunch today prior to the G5 Launch Party. Is it a bad idea that I'm thinking of taking donut holes? It's probably not the most forgiveable dessert, but I don't care. It's a treat well deserved after eating so well all week! Champagne belligerency will ensue for the entire afternoon. How else would we spend a beautiful Saturday? Running by Town Lake? I think I'll pass and start the exercise craze until after all of the "New Years Resolution" work-out enthusiasts are done faking. I will begin on Monday.

I Can See Clearly Now

..the rain is most definitely gone! Today started off as such a disgusting, cold, rainy, blah day, but it's all better now! No more rain! Just love. I'm slowly getting over my cold, making enormous strides from day to day. Sometimes I think I take feeling healthy for granted. I've been in such a terrible mood for the past 4 days because of my cold, but now the sun came out to play for the later afternoon, my sinuses are clearing, and I just had some leftover Salvation Pizza. All is well.

The weekend will be here soon enough, my antibiotics will have all been taken, so good times shall be had. So, why can't I stop thinking about a small encounter I had at a magazine release party last weekend? All I can think about is why am I such a pussy?! I had a ginormously cute guy basically gawking at me, but because he was surrounded by a group of friends, I did nothing. Granted, he didn't exactly make a real move either (other than "accidently" rubbing shoulders with me), but that's another story. I think I've just recently gotten obsessed with the idea of meeting some fabulously successful, good looking guy who'll actually be normal for once. I need to stop looking and learn from mistakes of being basically reactive in life, to being proactive when it's needed and the opportunity is there! Am I right? Who knows if I'll ever bump into cute magazine release party boy ever again... I can dream for now.

SO! Okay I don't know about anyone else, but I for one am excited about Nip/Tuck Season 5 (part 2) starting tonight! I know, part 2 to a season? It's a little bit strange, but I'll take it. A couple of my friends have given up on the show saying it's gotten far too ridiculous, but isn't that what you're supposed to embrace from the show? The ridiculous, over-the-top, raunchy, racey, unbelievable moments are what make it. To me, it's never really been about the characters, but more of a, "What will they do next?" kind of thing. I mean what show can you say has gotten away with tranvestite love affairs, meth lab explosions, disposing of bodies using crocodiles, multiple incestual relationships, mercury poisoning, using live breast implants to transport drugs, organ theft, and did I mention midget sex? The twistedness of this show is what people look forward to. I for one cannot WAIT. It's my escape from real life, and into the life of the rich and absolutely insane. See you in the real world!

New Year, New ME?

So as 2009 has begun, everyone inadvertently starts thinking about how they can better him or herself in the New Year. My start is to begin this blog. I somehow think it'll help me map out life a little more and be able to prioritize what's important to me, and what just isn't. In the past (and by past I mean perusing through old Facebook photos), I've noticed that much of them are drunken photos I wish had never been taken to begin with. Now, there's nothing wrong with having a good time with good people, but sometimes you tend to think that acting in this manner and being so immature is normal. Everyone does it, right? Wrong. I need to start focusing on myself and I think I rang in the New Year in the best possible way this time around. Much champagne and some amazing friends who wouldn't ever dare dream of judging me for any of my actions. I hold them so very close and know they do the same. I want to keep surrounding myself around these kinds of people this year.

So what am I looking for in this New Year? I'm looking for job satisfaction and career changes. I'm looking for amazing travels. I'm looking forward to keeping my old friends and making new ones. I hope to meet more people who enlighten me and make me feel like anything's possible. I also hope to find love (or something like it). I know I'm only 22, but I've grown up faster than most 22 yr-olds. I'm not looking to hook up, be a drunken moron on 6th street, or play games. I'm looking for truth and reality - and maybe a glass of wine or two along the way :-)

I'm one of those people who is completely unaware of what he/she looks like. I don't know If I'm considered good looking or not, I'm just me. I've noticed though, that not knowing this makes me a little socially inadequate when looking for guys. I have no clue what goes on in their minds when my bar tab is way lower than it should be (free drinks because they're dumb and forgot to add it up or because I'm cute?), when they stare at me over and over (why is this kid staring at me or wow I want to get to know him?), or when someone I consider to be extremely good looking, the only thought in my head is "yeah right, why would he waste his time on me?," and I could go on. Thing is, I know what I'm looking for when it comes to a guy - single, gainfully employeed, good looking (to my standards, no one else's), smart, full of interests and passion. I'm so tired of finding good looking men who are only that - good looking. I've met freelance writers, coke addicts, and guys who work more part time jobs at restaurants than I can count. Hey, we all need to start somewhere I suppose, but thing is - I learn these men are all vampires. Yes, energy vampires. They have no idea what they're doing with their lives so they work their "whatever" jobs in order to not really think about it and just live. What they don't realize is that while "living" they suck the energy out of everyone they lay their eyes (fangs) on - whether through one night stands, endless games (usually over texts, oddly enough), and just true lack of personality. Maybe I'm being judgemental, but I'm just looking for someone who's normal, successful in their own craft, and isn't a vampire. Too much too ask? We'll see what 2009 has in store.

For now, I sit here on my couch with my first cold of the New Year. Being sick isn't very fun, but at least I have my trusty DVR to keep me company in times like these. Tomorrow, it's back to the real world at my cushy little corporate job. Much can change in the next couple of months career wise for me, or much can just stay the same. Only time will tell, but for now I'm going to just enjoy the fact that I'm alive and well, have amazing friends, and have so much life to look forward to in 2009. Nothing is impossible. That needs to be my new motto, definitely. I hope everyone's ready for this New Year and that it truly becomes something special!