Making The Right Choice

As much as people hate to do it, every now and then (or all of the time in my case lately), you must make a decision, stick to it, and hope it was the right one. Case in point - the career. I had already decided to stay with my current job and wait for my manager and HR's magical talent of taking 2 weeks to put together an offer letter for promo - oh but hello curveball Monday. The manager from the other organization who's been seeking me sent me an invite for an interview that is now tomorrow morning, a job that I didn't even apply for. So, of course I accepted the interview. Now it's time to wait more for HR and see what these people think of me after the interview they're forcing down my throat. I have a feeling I'm going to have 2 offers come next week and I'm going to have make a decision. They're both promotions to the same level, so really it comes down to - what does Cesar want to do and what will keep Cesar motivated and moving on up? Make the right choice.

After last week's fiasco and many fiascos in dating, I decided to give up. But oh yet another curveball. A really great guy comes my way in the form of Facebook chat. Silly? Ya. Effective? Oh ya. I haven't connected so well with someone via chat in so long and it's so refreshing how easy conversation was without any questions (kind of like a fantastic job interview). I have a date tomorrow so it'll be time to decide whether to keep going or give up on letting men into my life like I originally planned (well, for the time being of course). This one's a bit of an easier decision as I'm sure I'll be swayed to bite the bullet and give in... I have a good feeling about this one though. I guess I've already made the choice. Gah! Maybe making the right choice isn't that hard after all. Do what makes you happy - because we ALL know deep down what we really want, but just let clouds come in. Time to be happy.

Nothing Better?

As quoted by Postal Service:

"I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself. With these revisions and gaps in history. So let me help you remember. I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear. I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave"

What the heck. Why am I such a debbie downer? My expectations and thoughts are definitely where I epically fail time and time again. Went out with the guy again last night - the "high expecations" guy. It was pretty miserable. His attitude/vibe was so low energy and uncaring. I slept at his place, literally slept. This morning it was like I was some bother. I wasn't really there and eye contact was so minimal it made me sick. Perhaps I'm overthinking it (shocking), but whatever. I'm human. There is better out there - I know there is. I don't consider myself young, hot, and stupid - I'm mature, handsome, and successful. If that's something that can be misconstrued as "boring," than so be it. I'm me.

I think where my lecture on why I have to leave comes in is that I'm preparing myself to do just that - leave. Leave the ideas that I need a guy to fulfill some void that I don't know particurally even exists at this point in my life. I have career, family, friends, and stresses every which way - why should I continue to focus on having a guy in my life and then continually be disappointed and shit on myself when it doesn't go to plan? I think I'm just over dating and looking. I'm going to prepare myself to just live and let things ride. I'm not going to be closed off completely, but I'm just not going to take anything seriously right now until the perfect opportunity arises and someone actually wants to put effort into being a part of my life. Today's just a really odd day of realizations, and being alone has helped me put it all into perspective. I'm going out tonight to meet up with out of towners (3 sets of them), so I will focus on the joy of being around wonderful people. Austin is out. Cesar is in.

I See You

Stress. Confusion. Impatience. Desire. Boredom? Am I bored? I've been thinking about this for the past few months. Things keep changing, especially the past 2-3 weeks, but somehow, I'm not satisfied or content. It makes me ponder what I really want - out of everything. As much as my friends are tired of hearing about it, all I've been thinking about for over a week straight is my career, but is that really what's going to make me ultimately happy? I picked up smoking the past couple of months, why you ask? Because I'm bored. As pathetic as it sounds, I've used it as a way to take up time, even for those 4-5 minutes. I definitely need to find another joy. I need to take a look around at all of the beauty I have surrounding me and forget the ugliness (cigarettes, negative attitudes, infuriated people, and those dirty secrets). I need to be me. I need to love and see - you?

Change Your Lines

Welcome back party? It's been months and months since I've put my thoughts into words given the many changes going on in life. Cesar. Is. Ready. To. Speak. For once in my life, everything (and I mean everything) is going the way I want/need it to. It makes me so nervous. For some reason I'm the type that always has to find the one negative/bad thing in all of the good, and then focus on it. Something to work on - definitely. The most stressful time of my life in my career (so far!) has just ended. I negotiated a significant raise to be at the level that I've developed into. Negotiated. Cesar? Yep. Can't express enough how nice it is to have power over my own career and talents at this point. I'm not stopping - I'm going to keep going and going. That is plan.

In terms of the matters of the heart, I've been through some of the weirdest dating situations possible this past year. A crazy man with out of body experiences, a drug dealer with no car, a straight man who tried to have me "hang around," a guy who was dating someone else (and oops, forgot to fill me in).. and I could go on. What's amazing about all of it though is that you never stop learning. I've learned a lot about what I want and don't want in terms of lovers/relationships. Learning is vital and I never want to stop. Recently, I've met an extremely interesting and elusive guy. He's got a lot of ideas, culture, and adventure to him. Feedback's been very positive so far on both ends - this could be quite the development. Possibilities and bright outlooks are what I crave.

My friends. Oh, my friends. They are the world to me other than my parents and brother. I'm not sure if it's them, the culture in Austin, or the fact that we're going through life in our 20's together - but I feel like my friends understand me inside and out. They know what makes me happy, my quirks, my frustrations, my faults, my loves. I'm definitely involved in a very much comfortable social environment where no one judges, everyone wants happiness, and everyone has fun. I recently had a "fight" with one of my closest friends - we've made up since then. It's wonderful to have people around who care. We need to all just love eachother, accept faults, and enjoy time with one another. Perfection is out this year, anyway.

A bit of a summary of life - I promise I'll begin to start posting the many ideas that surround my head. Think. Write.

Great Realizations

Spring has officially begun. The period of hibernation is over. Who's hibernating, you ask? Well, my shorts, solid tees, and flips flops! Say bye to jackets and coats, and hello to some skin! Nothing puts me in a better mood than the sun. Let's just hope it doesn't get too too hot this summer. Me and extreme sweat just do not get along.

Life from month to month has been one new surprise, adventure, or struggle after another on my side. I tend to look back and laugh at some moments and learn from others. I've recently discovered what I'm really looking for in terms of types of friendships, relationships, and career options. I got thrown into a career that I thought I wouldn't enjoy or do for a very long time, but have figured out that I'm truly good at the service I provide to the business world. I find out tomorrow whether I get to keep doing this - layoffs are hitting closer to home, it seems. At first I was terribly worried, but then realized - I'm only 22, and my life as a Twenty-Something has just begun. I'm moving so fast they want to lay me off at 22! Pretty fascinating if you take a step back and realize the age and situation. I have extreme confidence in my talent and abilities that I really have come to terms that I'll be fine no matter what happens. Deep down, I know I'm keeping my job, but it's good to think that even if I didn't, it'll all be okay. Tomorrow is a big day.

The social situation has been very interesting lately. I've been learning a lot about people just by listening more and paying attention closely to interactions. I enjoy people who smile, who have something to say that is worthwhile or uplifting, who just bring the best out of myself and other people. I'm glad to have the big circle of friends that I do. Everyone has their own uniqueness and charm. Blessings. In the world of dating - I'm still coming short, but learning oh so much. More about what kind of guy I'm looking for and what opportunities there are out there. I'll eventually find someone, for now learning and playing is fine with me! Being daring is also the name of the game. I'm beginning to be more ballsy in all kinds of situations. Showing that you have power over your life and what direction you want to take it is key. I believe it's helped boost my confidence and to better accept failure and disappointments.

Tomorrow. Is major.

Taking The Good With The Bad

Lately I feel like I've been getting a little more positive, a little more relaxed, a little more normal. All fantastic things. I've been taking the good with the bad at the office, it's been tough times for everyone that's for sure. It is what it is, that's the motto. I know, I know - "At least you have a job!" Yes, yes. With the hard economic times our country is facing and the extensive lay-offs, I SHOULD feel lucky to have a job, but I can't help but be selfish and think, "What the fuck? No chance for promotion in the next few months?" Makes me wonder what I'm working for some days, but I'm getting over that idea. Yes, I'm lucky to have a stable job (as stable as one can get..) and in an environment where I'm able to see so many of my good friends and eat well (our cafeteria rocks, I don't care what anyone says!). So yeah, let's be positive and be happy. Ok. Alright?

So! This weekend I finally got to meet up with the guy who's been basically chasing me for a couple of weeks. The environment where we met was my scene (so I was at home) and it was truly all good times. We got along well, his friends were great with me and vise versa, we danced, I went to his place to after party, and..... nothing happened. Wait! Where's the problem? Lack of real chemistry. We're both good looking individuals, and in the past that's all I needed to just hop into bed and be young and stupid, but lately that hasn't been exactly working for me. If I don't really feel it, I just don't. I don't care what my "member" thinks! Maybe next time? I definitely see this as a sign of maturity though. I know what I want and being picky is the game. Not to say this guy's not going to be my friend, I think he's great, but if it's not there- it's just not. I think he may have realized it as well, the texts have slowly faded. Meh- it happens. I'll take it.



Let's talk about some goodness now. I'm really really and I mean REALLY looking forward to the Lykke Li concert in a couple of weeks! February 19th to be exact. Tickets purchased. Dancing shoes all shined up and ready to party like Thursday nights are meant to be partyed. I miss Thursday nights and I'm pretty sure I'll be calling in sick the day after... sshhh! Don't tell. Every Lykke Li song has it's own vibe and uniqueness. Being there live while just a tad inebriated will be nothing less than fabulous. I don't use this word often, but she has made me feel so wonderful so many times, I can't help but be a little in love. Cut/Copy is coming in March as well - much more dancing excitement to come. Stay tuned.

The Anticipation Is Here

The month is almost over and I feel like in just this short first month of 2009, I've learned a lot of new things about myself. I hope I never get to the point where I stop wanting to learn and stop evolving. I enjoy trying new things all the time - keeps things interesting. Lately, I've been trying to transition into drinking black coffee. Lauren asks, "Why would you force yourself to like something or have to transition into it?" I really don't have the answer to that, other than I like being able to be as versatile as possible. I've already started with no sugar in my coffee, just some cream - next step, cut out the cream. No idea where I'm getting at with this or why I'm doing it, but I really want to enjoy everything life has to offer in different ways. Maybe it only makes sense to me- and I'm okay with that.

Anticipation has been all over my life this month so far. Anicipating possible job changes, travel plans, weekend plans, upcoming concerts (Lykke Li! Cut/Copy!), you name it. In the matters of the "heart," I've been anticipating really trying to hang out and getting to know this guy who's been relentlessly (in a good way) texting me to "come hang out." I've only met this person in what I can call my most belligerent night of this year so far, so I don't really think that counts. Can you really gain interest and desire through getting to know someone through their Facebook? The modern world is weird like that. Although, some think it's a great thing to have specific avenues like Facebook to be able to "get to know" someone through let's say their music interests or tagged photos- to me, it's scary. I basically start pre-judging and second guessing my anticipation. Perhaps anticipation can be an unfriendly device at times for me, or I just need to grow up and learn to meet people the old fashioned way. Close. Down. The Facebook.

My company's fiscal year ends tomorrow (or well, today), so they're giving me a 1/2 day! After the houseguest debacle, it'll be nice to be able to do my own thing this weekend for 2 1/2 full days. Time to let loose. Catch me if you can.