The Anticipation Is Here

The month is almost over and I feel like in just this short first month of 2009, I've learned a lot of new things about myself. I hope I never get to the point where I stop wanting to learn and stop evolving. I enjoy trying new things all the time - keeps things interesting. Lately, I've been trying to transition into drinking black coffee. Lauren asks, "Why would you force yourself to like something or have to transition into it?" I really don't have the answer to that, other than I like being able to be as versatile as possible. I've already started with no sugar in my coffee, just some cream - next step, cut out the cream. No idea where I'm getting at with this or why I'm doing it, but I really want to enjoy everything life has to offer in different ways. Maybe it only makes sense to me- and I'm okay with that.

Anticipation has been all over my life this month so far. Anicipating possible job changes, travel plans, weekend plans, upcoming concerts (Lykke Li! Cut/Copy!), you name it. In the matters of the "heart," I've been anticipating really trying to hang out and getting to know this guy who's been relentlessly (in a good way) texting me to "come hang out." I've only met this person in what I can call my most belligerent night of this year so far, so I don't really think that counts. Can you really gain interest and desire through getting to know someone through their Facebook? The modern world is weird like that. Although, some think it's a great thing to have specific avenues like Facebook to be able to "get to know" someone through let's say their music interests or tagged photos- to me, it's scary. I basically start pre-judging and second guessing my anticipation. Perhaps anticipation can be an unfriendly device at times for me, or I just need to grow up and learn to meet people the old fashioned way. Close. Down. The Facebook.

My company's fiscal year ends tomorrow (or well, today), so they're giving me a 1/2 day! After the houseguest debacle, it'll be nice to be able to do my own thing this weekend for 2 1/2 full days. Time to let loose. Catch me if you can.

Who's The Villian Now?

Something I've noticed, that in almost every situation there's always a bad guy. Whether it's a person, the weather, that pothole in the middle of the road, something is always out to mess things up. Everyone always seems to find a bad guy to blame for misfortunes or just not being satisfied with their day, themselves, or life in general. I've been the so called "villian" in so many situations lately. Perhaps it's a character flaw I need to work on, but I'm getting a little bit worn out from being blamed for the unhappiness of others. Maybe I'm not always a ball of sunshine, and sometimes I do tend to be a little upfront, but I like to think that I'm just for the most part - realistic. If you ask for my opinion, believe me, you'll get truth. People like to be in their little bubbles and pretend like their choices are perfect and nothing's wrong. Well - these yahoos need to stop asking me for advice. Plain and simple.

I've tried to bring more uplift to my blog entries than so called "whining" and darkness, but the darkness has been a little inevitable lately. It doesn't help that all I'm doing right now is listening to Massive Attack and drinking a 1/2 bottle of Chianti in my low lit living room - but, it suits the mood. Things could be worse. I think I'm just slowly getting over one of the worst weekends I've had in a very long time. This blog isn't about calling anyone out or pointing fingers, but I definitely had the most horrific set of houseguests come over (for the most part, uninvited mind you). They were the most disrespectful, ignorant, inconsiderate people that have ever spent 2 nights under my roof. Believe me, from now on the door is NOT always open. I will never make that mistake again. Long story short, even though I feel that way - the houseguests most definitely treated me as the "villian" - ironic. Maybe it's my "I don't care about anything" attitude towards things that make people easily blame me for so much? I don't get it anymore, and it's a true waste to keep thinking about it. I don't intentionally do wrong, and I say sorry when I know it's needed and it's right. Not. This. Case.

Something I've been doing prior to this weekend is surrounding myself around people who I truly get along with, who make me laugh, who help me think in different perspectives, who don't judge. Doing this has helped me weed out the bad and the ugly, and keep all of the wonderful. I've even had an interesting suitor cross my path - who's to say if he's ugly or wonderful? I think I'm a little scared to find out. I'm not used to the persistance and the chasing, but one thing is for certain - it's been flattering. It might be my insecurities not wanting it to really happen (real life over texts and Facebook messages), but why should I treat this person as a villian from the get-go? Perhaps I won't find love, but I definitely need to start having some more fun. Randomness is good for the soul - as is some soup. Time to eat.

Bizarre Beginnings So Far..

Today begins the 4th week of the New Year, and I don't think I've accomplished anything other than be a mess. My apartment seriously needs some maid service, I have no food in my fridge other than old bread and eggs, I've basically been sick all of 2009, and I've been making some pretty irregular weekend choices that I end up regretting like mad crazy. Obviously I'm on the lookout for something fresh and new in all aspects, but all I end up finding is bizarre insanity. Maybe the comfort of the "same 'ol" might be the better thing to stick with. I've never experienced a 35-block walk of shame, but hey, there's a first time for everything right? Uhh - Sad.

It'd be nice to have more to report other than being a mess, but such is life. I actually look forward to the work weeks because they're the only time when life becomes a little more normal, a little more routine. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the people I spend my weekends with - but I think I just really need to make better choices, personally. I still haven't begun my 2009 workout plan. Seriously. I think I'm going to really start being normal again. Yes.

The Ups and Downs

It's been an eventful weekend so far - and I'm going to keep it going! I'm 100% over my cold and now just have some leftover mucus/sinus goodness. My question though- what is up with this weather? I don't mind heat, I don't mind cold, but when the weather goes from one extreme to another on a day to day basis, it's just not enjoyable! How am I supposed to prepare? I'm certainly not my father, so checking out weather.com isn't exactly a hobby I want to start up. I suppose I'll just deal.

Last night at Gavin's penthouse party, I ran into one of my best friend's ex-boyfriends (yeah, the one who cheated on her multiple times)- anywho, he's in town from San Francisco and he saw me and felt the urge to say, "Hey, how's it going?" This really confuses me. Did he think I was really going to forget the terrible things he did? Am I that approachable? Before last night I was beginning to think of myself to be a bit elusive because it seems it's hard to reach me sometimes, but oh Mr. Joel didn't have trouble at all. Hey maybe it all just slipped my mind, right? I don't think so. The douche-bags of the world forget their mistakes very easily because they have no soul, but I'm not one to forgive and forget for no reason. Bitch - SLAP.

Lauren and I are hosting a mini-brunch today prior to the G5 Launch Party. Is it a bad idea that I'm thinking of taking donut holes? It's probably not the most forgiveable dessert, but I don't care. It's a treat well deserved after eating so well all week! Champagne belligerency will ensue for the entire afternoon. How else would we spend a beautiful Saturday? Running by Town Lake? I think I'll pass and start the exercise craze until after all of the "New Years Resolution" work-out enthusiasts are done faking. I will begin on Monday.

I Can See Clearly Now

..the rain is most definitely gone! Today started off as such a disgusting, cold, rainy, blah day, but it's all better now! No more rain! Just love. I'm slowly getting over my cold, making enormous strides from day to day. Sometimes I think I take feeling healthy for granted. I've been in such a terrible mood for the past 4 days because of my cold, but now the sun came out to play for the later afternoon, my sinuses are clearing, and I just had some leftover Salvation Pizza. All is well.

The weekend will be here soon enough, my antibiotics will have all been taken, so good times shall be had. So, why can't I stop thinking about a small encounter I had at a magazine release party last weekend? All I can think about is why am I such a pussy?! I had a ginormously cute guy basically gawking at me, but because he was surrounded by a group of friends, I did nothing. Granted, he didn't exactly make a real move either (other than "accidently" rubbing shoulders with me), but that's another story. I think I've just recently gotten obsessed with the idea of meeting some fabulously successful, good looking guy who'll actually be normal for once. I need to stop looking and learn from mistakes of being basically reactive in life, to being proactive when it's needed and the opportunity is there! Am I right? Who knows if I'll ever bump into cute magazine release party boy ever again... I can dream for now.

SO! Okay I don't know about anyone else, but I for one am excited about Nip/Tuck Season 5 (part 2) starting tonight! I know, part 2 to a season? It's a little bit strange, but I'll take it. A couple of my friends have given up on the show saying it's gotten far too ridiculous, but isn't that what you're supposed to embrace from the show? The ridiculous, over-the-top, raunchy, racey, unbelievable moments are what make it. To me, it's never really been about the characters, but more of a, "What will they do next?" kind of thing. I mean what show can you say has gotten away with tranvestite love affairs, meth lab explosions, disposing of bodies using crocodiles, multiple incestual relationships, mercury poisoning, using live breast implants to transport drugs, organ theft, and did I mention midget sex? The twistedness of this show is what people look forward to. I for one cannot WAIT. It's my escape from real life, and into the life of the rich and absolutely insane. See you in the real world!

New Year, New ME?

So as 2009 has begun, everyone inadvertently starts thinking about how they can better him or herself in the New Year. My start is to begin this blog. I somehow think it'll help me map out life a little more and be able to prioritize what's important to me, and what just isn't. In the past (and by past I mean perusing through old Facebook photos), I've noticed that much of them are drunken photos I wish had never been taken to begin with. Now, there's nothing wrong with having a good time with good people, but sometimes you tend to think that acting in this manner and being so immature is normal. Everyone does it, right? Wrong. I need to start focusing on myself and I think I rang in the New Year in the best possible way this time around. Much champagne and some amazing friends who wouldn't ever dare dream of judging me for any of my actions. I hold them so very close and know they do the same. I want to keep surrounding myself around these kinds of people this year.

So what am I looking for in this New Year? I'm looking for job satisfaction and career changes. I'm looking for amazing travels. I'm looking forward to keeping my old friends and making new ones. I hope to meet more people who enlighten me and make me feel like anything's possible. I also hope to find love (or something like it). I know I'm only 22, but I've grown up faster than most 22 yr-olds. I'm not looking to hook up, be a drunken moron on 6th street, or play games. I'm looking for truth and reality - and maybe a glass of wine or two along the way :-)

I'm one of those people who is completely unaware of what he/she looks like. I don't know If I'm considered good looking or not, I'm just me. I've noticed though, that not knowing this makes me a little socially inadequate when looking for guys. I have no clue what goes on in their minds when my bar tab is way lower than it should be (free drinks because they're dumb and forgot to add it up or because I'm cute?), when they stare at me over and over (why is this kid staring at me or wow I want to get to know him?), or when someone I consider to be extremely good looking, the only thought in my head is "yeah right, why would he waste his time on me?," and I could go on. Thing is, I know what I'm looking for when it comes to a guy - single, gainfully employeed, good looking (to my standards, no one else's), smart, full of interests and passion. I'm so tired of finding good looking men who are only that - good looking. I've met freelance writers, coke addicts, and guys who work more part time jobs at restaurants than I can count. Hey, we all need to start somewhere I suppose, but thing is - I learn these men are all vampires. Yes, energy vampires. They have no idea what they're doing with their lives so they work their "whatever" jobs in order to not really think about it and just live. What they don't realize is that while "living" they suck the energy out of everyone they lay their eyes (fangs) on - whether through one night stands, endless games (usually over texts, oddly enough), and just true lack of personality. Maybe I'm being judgemental, but I'm just looking for someone who's normal, successful in their own craft, and isn't a vampire. Too much too ask? We'll see what 2009 has in store.

For now, I sit here on my couch with my first cold of the New Year. Being sick isn't very fun, but at least I have my trusty DVR to keep me company in times like these. Tomorrow, it's back to the real world at my cushy little corporate job. Much can change in the next couple of months career wise for me, or much can just stay the same. Only time will tell, but for now I'm going to just enjoy the fact that I'm alive and well, have amazing friends, and have so much life to look forward to in 2009. Nothing is impossible. That needs to be my new motto, definitely. I hope everyone's ready for this New Year and that it truly becomes something special!