Somebody Lurks In The Shadow

Man oh man. It's been a long winter of hibernation in terms of a lot of things. Travelled a bit so I was away from Austin a lot of the time. After having the most awesome Christmas dinner with my intermediate family rather than extended (so great!), I took off on a 10 day sailing trip through the British Virgin Islands. It was the most relaxing thing imaginable - no joke. Visited about 6-7 different islands, drank Pain Killers like a mad man, night ocean swims, sleeping on the tramp just about every opportunity I had, and just - relaxed. My favorite part of the trip was our extended 2 night stay in Anegada island. Most secluded beach I've ever been to and the bars/restaurants were to die for.

So with that said - I get back to Austin in early January, and what do you know? All perspectives have changed. That trip is going to be known as a pivotal point in my life. I came back thinking differently - about a lot of things. Tired of being sad or mad (thanks 2009 great depression!). Just freshly promoted at work, so clearly working like a dog. After duking it out with The Devil Wears JC Penney, I finally got the promotion I deserved (and out of cycle, mind you). It's really refreshing to finally be appreciated at work for all of the efforts I put in, it just took time AND patience. Perhaps it's a little sad, but the promotion is also something that uplifted my moods. I'm here on this earth to succeed, keep moving, and have a blast - so it just works out so very nicely.

It's been so cold in Austin, and I've basically been lurking in the shadows in terms of not really going out as much (or at all) during the week and just laying low with weekend plans. I'm not planning any huge travelling so far in the foreseeable future (next few weeks, ha!), so learning that I don't always have to go out and be extremely social has been a wonderful thing. I like showcasing my secret single behavior while at home with a glass (ok a few glasses) of red, red wine. I like one on one activites with friends. I like talking, listening, and learning. Soon the sun will be out to play again, SXSW will happen, and bam! HEAT! ENERGY! BARTON SPRINGS! MARGARITAS! GREEN BELT! JET SKIING! All that makes Austin so magically delicious.

I've been attempting the whole dating thing, even after a huge fiasco in the Fall (uh don't remind me!). Disappointment times a million. I haven't found what I'm looking for and apparently what I'm looking for is a whole lot to ask, so I think I need to just sit still in that department and only take opportunities as they come rather than look. I realized I kind of really like myself. I like my flow, I like how I do things, and I'm beginning to realize I don't really want someone coming into my life to mess that up just yet. I know that sounds a little negative/selfish, but it's just truth. I like me right now.

For now I sit here - pondering if my couch or a night on Red River is more appealing. Time to get out of the shadows? Only time will tell.

The Devil Wears JC Penney

Life. Oh you crazy little story. I'm oddly calm right now. After a fall of life-changing moments, it's all somehow settling down. I just can't stop listening to "Paper Aeroplane" by Angus and Julia Stone right now. It's one of the most calm-worthy songs I've heard in a while. My music tastes and what I want to listen to always completely vary by what I'm feeling. Music touches.

Today at work my boss came into town from Ireland (where he works remotely), and boy did Mr. JC Penney six-figure man lay it on strong. I worked my arse off and didn't even have time to eat lunch. Me? Not eat? I was so ravenous by the time the day was over, but when it was over he and I had the most relaxed conversation. It was very much man-to-man. He believes in me and doesn't even know who I am outside of work. I've somehow been able to show that I'm probably the same person in and outside of my company's doors. I don't take no for an answer, I don't let people walk all over me, I'm outspoken and always make sure I'm heard, and I'm damn driven. I know I sound so narcissistic right now, but it's just nice to realize that nothing in life is impossible, even at my age of 33 (ok, 23). Without me asking he said he would not go back to Ireland without having changed my promotion status. The head of HR has approved now he just has to prove me. Someone working to prove my worth? It's just nice, I suppose.

Tomorrow, I'm headed to New Orleans for a smaller Thanksgiving weekend. It'll be nice to be around wonderful people and not think about work, Austin, life. I just want to be free. My 10 day sailing trip over Christmas and New Years will provide this as well. The Holidays are an interesting time when all of the madness turns into white noise. Everything gets quiet and you being to realize and be thankful for what you already have. All I want this season is for everyone around me to be happy, and I'm going to work on the positive side that's in little Cesar to be set free. As far as dating goes, the bassoonist has been a bit of fresh air. I never considered him to be my type, but there's something about having someone around who never makes you feel negative. Feels good. Who knows how long this feeling or even our dating relationship will last, but it's good to have it for what it's worth.

I guess without all of the struggles, events, successes and failures - life wouldn't be so interesting. I sometimes look down on it and don't appreciate. I'm fortunate to be in the place that I am right now. Drama, drama - time to accept and live.

Making The Right Choice

As much as people hate to do it, every now and then (or all of the time in my case lately), you must make a decision, stick to it, and hope it was the right one. Case in point - the career. I had already decided to stay with my current job and wait for my manager and HR's magical talent of taking 2 weeks to put together an offer letter for promo - oh but hello curveball Monday. The manager from the other organization who's been seeking me sent me an invite for an interview that is now tomorrow morning, a job that I didn't even apply for. So, of course I accepted the interview. Now it's time to wait more for HR and see what these people think of me after the interview they're forcing down my throat. I have a feeling I'm going to have 2 offers come next week and I'm going to have make a decision. They're both promotions to the same level, so really it comes down to - what does Cesar want to do and what will keep Cesar motivated and moving on up? Make the right choice.

After last week's fiasco and many fiascos in dating, I decided to give up. But oh yet another curveball. A really great guy comes my way in the form of Facebook chat. Silly? Ya. Effective? Oh ya. I haven't connected so well with someone via chat in so long and it's so refreshing how easy conversation was without any questions (kind of like a fantastic job interview). I have a date tomorrow so it'll be time to decide whether to keep going or give up on letting men into my life like I originally planned (well, for the time being of course). This one's a bit of an easier decision as I'm sure I'll be swayed to bite the bullet and give in... I have a good feeling about this one though. I guess I've already made the choice. Gah! Maybe making the right choice isn't that hard after all. Do what makes you happy - because we ALL know deep down what we really want, but just let clouds come in. Time to be happy.

Nothing Better?

As quoted by Postal Service:

"I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself. With these revisions and gaps in history. So let me help you remember. I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear. I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave"

What the heck. Why am I such a debbie downer? My expectations and thoughts are definitely where I epically fail time and time again. Went out with the guy again last night - the "high expecations" guy. It was pretty miserable. His attitude/vibe was so low energy and uncaring. I slept at his place, literally slept. This morning it was like I was some bother. I wasn't really there and eye contact was so minimal it made me sick. Perhaps I'm overthinking it (shocking), but whatever. I'm human. There is better out there - I know there is. I don't consider myself young, hot, and stupid - I'm mature, handsome, and successful. If that's something that can be misconstrued as "boring," than so be it. I'm me.

I think where my lecture on why I have to leave comes in is that I'm preparing myself to do just that - leave. Leave the ideas that I need a guy to fulfill some void that I don't know particurally even exists at this point in my life. I have career, family, friends, and stresses every which way - why should I continue to focus on having a guy in my life and then continually be disappointed and shit on myself when it doesn't go to plan? I think I'm just over dating and looking. I'm going to prepare myself to just live and let things ride. I'm not going to be closed off completely, but I'm just not going to take anything seriously right now until the perfect opportunity arises and someone actually wants to put effort into being a part of my life. Today's just a really odd day of realizations, and being alone has helped me put it all into perspective. I'm going out tonight to meet up with out of towners (3 sets of them), so I will focus on the joy of being around wonderful people. Austin is out. Cesar is in.

I See You

Stress. Confusion. Impatience. Desire. Boredom? Am I bored? I've been thinking about this for the past few months. Things keep changing, especially the past 2-3 weeks, but somehow, I'm not satisfied or content. It makes me ponder what I really want - out of everything. As much as my friends are tired of hearing about it, all I've been thinking about for over a week straight is my career, but is that really what's going to make me ultimately happy? I picked up smoking the past couple of months, why you ask? Because I'm bored. As pathetic as it sounds, I've used it as a way to take up time, even for those 4-5 minutes. I definitely need to find another joy. I need to take a look around at all of the beauty I have surrounding me and forget the ugliness (cigarettes, negative attitudes, infuriated people, and those dirty secrets). I need to be me. I need to love and see - you?

Change Your Lines

Welcome back party? It's been months and months since I've put my thoughts into words given the many changes going on in life. Cesar. Is. Ready. To. Speak. For once in my life, everything (and I mean everything) is going the way I want/need it to. It makes me so nervous. For some reason I'm the type that always has to find the one negative/bad thing in all of the good, and then focus on it. Something to work on - definitely. The most stressful time of my life in my career (so far!) has just ended. I negotiated a significant raise to be at the level that I've developed into. Negotiated. Cesar? Yep. Can't express enough how nice it is to have power over my own career and talents at this point. I'm not stopping - I'm going to keep going and going. That is plan.

In terms of the matters of the heart, I've been through some of the weirdest dating situations possible this past year. A crazy man with out of body experiences, a drug dealer with no car, a straight man who tried to have me "hang around," a guy who was dating someone else (and oops, forgot to fill me in).. and I could go on. What's amazing about all of it though is that you never stop learning. I've learned a lot about what I want and don't want in terms of lovers/relationships. Learning is vital and I never want to stop. Recently, I've met an extremely interesting and elusive guy. He's got a lot of ideas, culture, and adventure to him. Feedback's been very positive so far on both ends - this could be quite the development. Possibilities and bright outlooks are what I crave.

My friends. Oh, my friends. They are the world to me other than my parents and brother. I'm not sure if it's them, the culture in Austin, or the fact that we're going through life in our 20's together - but I feel like my friends understand me inside and out. They know what makes me happy, my quirks, my frustrations, my faults, my loves. I'm definitely involved in a very much comfortable social environment where no one judges, everyone wants happiness, and everyone has fun. I recently had a "fight" with one of my closest friends - we've made up since then. It's wonderful to have people around who care. We need to all just love eachother, accept faults, and enjoy time with one another. Perfection is out this year, anyway.

A bit of a summary of life - I promise I'll begin to start posting the many ideas that surround my head. Think. Write.

Great Realizations

Spring has officially begun. The period of hibernation is over. Who's hibernating, you ask? Well, my shorts, solid tees, and flips flops! Say bye to jackets and coats, and hello to some skin! Nothing puts me in a better mood than the sun. Let's just hope it doesn't get too too hot this summer. Me and extreme sweat just do not get along.

Life from month to month has been one new surprise, adventure, or struggle after another on my side. I tend to look back and laugh at some moments and learn from others. I've recently discovered what I'm really looking for in terms of types of friendships, relationships, and career options. I got thrown into a career that I thought I wouldn't enjoy or do for a very long time, but have figured out that I'm truly good at the service I provide to the business world. I find out tomorrow whether I get to keep doing this - layoffs are hitting closer to home, it seems. At first I was terribly worried, but then realized - I'm only 22, and my life as a Twenty-Something has just begun. I'm moving so fast they want to lay me off at 22! Pretty fascinating if you take a step back and realize the age and situation. I have extreme confidence in my talent and abilities that I really have come to terms that I'll be fine no matter what happens. Deep down, I know I'm keeping my job, but it's good to think that even if I didn't, it'll all be okay. Tomorrow is a big day.

The social situation has been very interesting lately. I've been learning a lot about people just by listening more and paying attention closely to interactions. I enjoy people who smile, who have something to say that is worthwhile or uplifting, who just bring the best out of myself and other people. I'm glad to have the big circle of friends that I do. Everyone has their own uniqueness and charm. Blessings. In the world of dating - I'm still coming short, but learning oh so much. More about what kind of guy I'm looking for and what opportunities there are out there. I'll eventually find someone, for now learning and playing is fine with me! Being daring is also the name of the game. I'm beginning to be more ballsy in all kinds of situations. Showing that you have power over your life and what direction you want to take it is key. I believe it's helped boost my confidence and to better accept failure and disappointments.

Tomorrow. Is major.